choose me.. always

 forgot about the blog for so long..

anyways so the updates are that alot of things happened in the past few months and i am out.

i am done.

done with this shit.

done with the neverending loop.

i chose me. i always will.

its 26 feb today im in my cooperate grooming lecture which i think is so stupid btw i mean this subject is like a 9 to 5 robot training camp istg

they teach abt how to talk, walk, sit, stand, what to wear, what to say, what to do, what not to... jailcell training

i WOULD NEVER LIVE LIKE THIS 

i am made to create and this robotic shit is not for me.. yesterday my dad was talking about going abroad and doing masters in tech but man i dont want to be in tech.. and i am sure not gon be in this, bas as soon as this btech degree ends im switching to fashion... fashion desigining.. i will do modeling on the side.. this is my life and i wanna choose a path that i want and a path that makes me want to work my ass off makes me want to get up in the morning and look forward to the life im creating...

this is it.

i chose me. again. always will.

over the validation, over what people think, over what they allow, over what they think is good for me, this is somthing i need to do in order to create the life that i want..

snap out of it

 august has started its 6th august rn i have an exam by the next week plan was to start by monday 

get it together by monday but hey life happened fall outs happen things mess up fights happen and here i am by wednesday trying just trying everyday 

one thing ive noticeed is the mornings are not how i want them to be i wake up later than i wish to aand yeah i want my mornings to be a relaxed spa like experience for the right start of my thatd help me feeleing like the best version of myself and set the tone for a great day  and evenings when i get back from college i just feel like ive been wasting em i just come back scroll sleep my rooms all messy i either go out and come back late and just waste the whole evening i just dont wish to be living this way and im really tired of this and this isnt the reality i want to create for myself and this is just a phase and i need to snap out of it

rotting away

its a friday today i skipped college 

i did yesterday too 

i feel deppressed 

im on my period, this sucks!!!!!

since morning ive been in bed rotting tried getting up but the messed up thoughts took over 

its 5 30 in the evening rn

havent done anything since i woke up 

this isnt the way i wanna live i dont want to feel this way 

cant help it

too much going on rn but hey flip the script??

imma start by cleaning my room i probably do that a million times a week but my room is a reflection of my mind so gotta clear the external mess to feel better internally 

so task one: clean ur room.

update

lowkey cleaned my room not fully tho, brushed my hair and put some gloss on and just cleaned the bed area, well thats a win but then fell into a scroll cycle yeah that wasnt fun but back again 

dk what im gon do 

nostalgia

 Nostalgia is a shit of a feeling, you never really know what it will make you feel at times.

is it gonna bring the good? the bad? the happy? the sad? the wins? the loss? its like  a coin toss! you never know.

I am in my java lecture rn, which i have no interest to be in so randomly i decide to look up my old school blogs that i used to write and oh god what was i on seriously istg. 

Ngl i was really cringed out by it but those blogs made me so nostalgic as well, i was a diffrent species back then, this was 5 years ago, i was in my 10th grade probably 13 years old idk but im 19 now alot has changed im in my 3rd year of college rn 

was forced into btech wanted to go in fashion or some creative field but here we are java lec burned out and what not but hey im greatful for how far ive come and the person ive became and am becoming 

so let this blog be me documenting everyday? just like the old times so i can read it more 5 years from now heh

anyways thats it for this one!